Shattered; exhausted; worn out ... I'm just back home from the final clearing out of my late mother's flat and I have that drained feeling that comes after a period of mental turmoil. She died back at the end of October after 18 months of secondary bone cancer and the last 2 weeks in a Hospice.
The death of a parent is never easy for anyone I imagine; the death of a Narcissistic Mother is a bit of a nightmare. Funerals are rarely about honesty, but instead talk only about the best in the deceased. Is that as it should be? should we not look at the whole person? should we not include the faults with the good points? At the moment I can't answer those questions; it's all too fresh and painful. I can say that constantly having people tell me what a wonderful mother I had – people who never once asked me anything about my mother and who clearly do not want to know the truth – is hurtful, confusing, isolating and exhausting. My Grannie used to say, "There's none as blind as those that won't see", and she was so right!
If you have no idea what a Narcissisitc Mother is then a very little web-searching will enlighten you to the ugly truth. Michelle Piper, an American psychiatrist, has a very good web site and her blog is a series of articles on the many harmful aspects of having an NM. Some of the posts in her Forum are heart-rending. I've placed a link to her site on my 'Links' page. Of course it may be that some of you reading this, or reading her site, will say something along the lines of "Oh no; that can't be"; all I can say to you is "It is, it is." That is my life experience.
I'm writing poetry again and that is no surprise to me now. Looking back over the 14 years since I started writing, it is obvious that I have been unconciously using poetry as a kind of safety valve - a way of saying the things that most people (and thank God for the other few!!) don't want to hear. I'm going to post a new poem. It's an angry poem, but I make no apology for that; I have a whole life's worth of anger and hurt to get rid of.
Other things have been happening during my gap from posting, so I will be adding more posts, more often, from now on.
PS: I'm now starting the process of working towards upgrading my computer OS, in part so that I can upgrade to the next version of this web builder. That may not be a quick process but it will allow me to incorporate blog software so that you can comment under my posts, rather than using my guestbook. As they say, watch this space!